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Loss & Grief.
snippet of Exploring
Grief & Loss. mark logan
The
grief that goes with losses can be very powerful and at times, overwhelming.
Most of us have experienced loss in our lives at some point in time. Weenolsen (1988,
p.19-20) defines loss as, ‘anything
that destroys some aspect, whether macroscopic or microscopic of life and
self’…loss results in the death of one aspect of life and self, and the
consequent re-creation of other aspects’. Weenolsen (1998) explored the concept of loss and suggests that loss is experienced on many levels. For example, one’s loss can be classified as small, minor or major. This could refer to loosing an ear ring [minor loss], through to a personal loss such as the loss of a loved one [major loss]. Obviously one must take into account the meaning of the loss. If the ear ring was a family heirloom handed down from generations, then the loss is significant, and becomes a major loss in the eyes of the individual. The meaning of the loss can also be seen as primary or secondary in nature. Ill health [primary loss] may cause one to take time off work [secondary loss]. Prolonged time off work would further cause financial strain [now a major loss]. It has been demonstrated that losses have different meanings for each person; this is dependant on ones past and current experiences of loss, personal coping style and relationship or connection to the loss. Various aspects of
loss should be considered as being relevant too and reflective of the
individuals social, psychological, developmental and environmental circumstances.
Furthermore, losses will have different meanings for each person and each child,
and it is important to understand that the degree of disability or recognised
loss will not necessarily match with those losses one would presume an
individual or family should be experiencing. Theorists (generally psychologists and psychiatrists) such as Freud (1957); Lindemann E, (1944); Parkes C, (1988); Bowlby J (1982) and Worden W (2001) have contributed much research into exploring the concept of Death, Dying, Bereavement, Attachment & Loss, Grief-Loss Symptomology, Grief therapy and associated interventions. The distinguishing of grief as opposed to grieving should be made here, especially when considering the topic of chronic health illness and disability as opposed to death and dying. Grief is seen as the normal affective-emotional response to loss, which if it runs an uncomplicated course, does not require therapeutic intervention ie grief therapy (Stroebe & Stroebe 1987, p.8). Responses such as sadness, anger, helplessness, guilt and despair are common socially recognised normal grief reactions (Raphael 1984, p.33). Worden (2001, p.51) suggests that the broad range of grief reactions that people experience are now seen as normal reactions to loss. Stages
of grief (Geldard
1998, p.219-22; Foy 1997, p.39)
are commonly mentioned when someone suffers a loss. Stages of grief include
Shock, Denial, Guilt, Anger, Sadness, Anxiety, Symptoms; physical, emotional and
psychological. Idealisation, Acceptance, Re-adjustment and finally Personal
growth. Grief responses are explored further within the context of Symptoms,
Stages and Grieving
process. The Grieving is seen as the process of mourning the loss, grieving may be either a quick process or one that takes many months or years to move through. Parents experience a wide range of feelings and reactions, e.g. anger, jealousy, frustration, irritability, sleeplessness, withdrawal & Isolation, hostility, abandonment, embarrassment, fear, blame and marital conflict. Offering
an example of a family with a child who has special needs"...although
aspects of the above feelings reflect a grieving response, they can also
represent a realistic response or concern about their child's future, the lack
of appropriate and responsive services, and the inappropriate reaction of family
and social networks to the loss. Parents
describe the task of coping with a disabled child as surviving each day and
holding on to their grief until later, or perhaps not being able to address it
at all. (Renzenbrink, & Bruce 2004, p.5) DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF. For
some people experiencing a loss, moving through a natural process of
grieving is not an easy task to do.Kenneth
Doka helps us understand this concept of hidden grief, and refers to it as
‘disenfranchised grief’. Defined by Doka (1993,
p.129) as,
‘the grief that person’s experience when they incur a loss that is not or
cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported’. Doka
explains that when a person’s grief does not fit in with a socially acceptable
format, or social norms, such as grieving a family member, the bereaved person
will be experiencing disenfranchised grief. Social norms imply rules for
grieving. These social rules or norms state when is the right time to grieve,
who should grieve, in what way a person should grieve and for how
long. Examples of how ones grief can be disenfranchised are demonstrated
below. Examples offered are indicative only and not to be taken as definitive
examples of disenfranchised grief.
4 reasons for disenfranchised grief. The Relationship is not recognised.
·
A person does not have a kinship with the deceased-
Empathy causes feelings of loss. A fan mourns the death of public figure. People
can’t see why the individual is so upset about someone they didn’t know. ·
Past relationships-
Ex-spouse, friend, associate or acquaintance. The grieved remembers the past
connection with the deceased person. ·
Adoption & Re-acquaintance-
Adopted persons finding out who there true family members are, then finding out
that their parent or sibling had passed away before they could reunite. The
person grieves for the lost chance of a relationship and loss of connection to
their existence. The
Loss is not recognised. ·
Socially
insignificant loss- Perinatal: in utero deaths or post birth, Abortions,
Giving child up for adoption. Loss of Pet dog, bird, mouse, rat! ·
Social
death- invalidated existence & rejection. Persons
with mental illness, Persons with disabilities, Homeless persons,
Workplace whistle blower. Cultural or familial abandonment cutting ties with the
family for good. The
Griever is not recognised. ·
Socially
perceived as not capable of grieving.
Children are too young to understand, Elderly too old to mourn. Cognitive
impaired has no life comprehension. (no perception of loss). ·
Socially
excluded- Social ignorance of the above mentioned needs and desire to mourn.
Excluded from last moments alive, death - dying conversations and funeral. The
Death or Loss is disenfranchising. ·
Cause of death invokes a social shame- parent’s
child dies from AIDS or Suicide (cant talk about it), murdering ones spouse
(abusive relationship-self defence) or child (depressed parent commits
homicide). Both individuals experience loss of their loved one! (Doka 1993, p.129-30)
So how does counselling assist people experiencing Loss & Grief to move forward? Counsellors will generally use a specific framework or theory to guide you through the grieving process. As you have read there are many ways to look at loss and grief. It is important to remember that our past experiences and relationships -good, bad, traumatic have shaped who we are today. A professional counsellor will be aware of this and will walk with you as you move forward.
When the person who is experiencing loss finally seeks help, they have already made the first and hardest step in moving forward. They have begun to...Accept the reality of their loss...and with professional help, will be able to move forward with their life and to find ways in which the lost object can be there but not get in the way of moving on.
Call Affect Consulting now and get your emotions into motion.
References and original article by Mark Logan RN1, SW available by email request.
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Affect is a term used in the
mental health field that means:
1.A pattern of observable behaviour. 2.An outward manifestation of a persons feelings. 3.To influence changes in emotion.
We are a Bendigo council recognised child friendly service. Last updated 28.2.2012 HG
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